“I don’t see any reason why it would be Russia” And Other Tragically Misinterpreted Remarks

On Monday, July 16, 2018, United States President Donald Trump met Russian President Vladimir Putin for one-on-one talks in Helsinki, Finland.

Unfortunately, after Mr. Trump misspoke – saying what was obviously the wrong word in one of his choice remarks about Mr. Putin and Russian Election Meddling – the American media tried to spin the story, in an attempt to negate efforts towards a stronger relationship between the United States and the Kremlin, who all probably still use Windows 98 anyway.

In a related study, the U.S. Census Bureau reports that, on average, public figures are misquoted or misrepresented via words spoken from their own mouth or words written or typed by their own hand every seven seconds. Therefore, to correct incorrect public opinion, the Bureau has produced the following statements, which now reflect the true thought or expression intended by the associated public figure.

To the reader: Please note that these statements should be considered as “Final” and “Definitive” and are not open to re-interpretation by the Bureau for the next 5-7 business days.

"I don’t see any reason why it [WOULDN’T] be Russia." – Donald Trump, President of the United States

"You [COULD NOT] put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables." – Hillary Clinton, Resident of the United States

"I did not have sexual relations with [HILLARY CLINTON]." – Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States

"Muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a [ADOPTED] baby = vj" Roseanne Barr, Former Comedian

"In less than a month  less than a month [AFTER THEY TURN 18]  a first-grader [ONCE HE OR SHE IS 18] can become a first grenade-er." – Joe Walsh, Former Babysitter

"You know what, don’t bother showing the video... Sorry [PETE HOLMES] guy, you really did ask for it." – Elon Musk, Community Manager, Tesla, Inc.

"Colonel Sanders called blacks [NEAT]." – John Schnatter, a.k.a. “Papa John”, Inventor of Garlic Butter (?) [Citation Needed]

"Just went to a Southern Virginia Walmart. I could smell the Trump [STEAK BURGERS]." – Peter Strzok, Local Foodie and Accomplished Pitmaster