Ronald McDonald Signs Mayor McCheese Defense Measure, Doesn't Thank Mayor McCheese

 McCheese was first elected in 1970 and has been serving as mayor of McDonaldland for over 45 years

McCheese was first elected in 1970 and has been serving as mayor of McDonaldland for over 45 years

On Monday, Chief Happiness Officer Ronald McDonald thanked what could only be described as a laundry list of public officials and residents of McDonaldland involved in passing the Mayor McCheese National Hamburger Defense Act (NHDA) at a signing ceremony near the Great Filet-O-Fish Lake. Though, there was one major name left off of the list: the hamburger for whom the bill is named.

"We would not be here for today's signing ceremony without the dedicated efforts without the dedicated officials of McDonaldland who worked so hard to pass the National Hamburger Defense Act," McDonald said, thanking by name notable residents and officials such as Birdie the Early Bird and Officer Big Mac and – to much dismay – the Hamburglar.

Mr. McDonald, who is not a hamburger and has no experience being served on a grill, had previously attacked Mayor McCheese, calling the cheese-laden beef patty “barely a hamburger” at a press conference earlier last year, where he said, “Look. I don’t say this to be mean, but the mayor is barely a hamburger. He’s certainly not a McDouble. A real McDouble has two patties. The mayor is only a McCheese because one of his beef patties was captured."

Mr. McCheese, meanwhile, issued a statement on the bill.

“I’m very proud that the National Hamburger Defense Act has been signed into law. Today’s bill signing will help deliver our hamburgers the pickles and onions they need to rise to the challenges of a dangerous world,” he said.

“I thank my colleagues in McDonaldland for working together to craft this legislation, which honors just our hamburgers, but also our men, women, birds, fries and McNuggets and lives up to the traditions of bipartisanship and collaboration that have come to define the NHDA process.”

“Also – that clown can go fuck himself in his stupid fucking clown face.”

“I don’t see any reason why it would be Russia” And Other Tragically Misinterpreted Remarks

On Monday, July 16, 2018, United States President Donald Trump met Russian President Vladimir Putin for one-on-one talks in Helsinki, Finland.

Unfortunately, after Mr. Trump misspoke – saying what was obviously the wrong word in one of his choice remarks about Mr. Putin and Russian Election Meddling – the American media tried to spin the story, in an attempt to negate efforts towards a stronger relationship between the United States and the Kremlin, who all probably still use Windows 98 anyway.

In a related study, the U.S. Census Bureau reports that, on average, public figures are misquoted or misrepresented via words spoken from their own mouth or words written or typed by their own hand every seven seconds. Therefore, to correct incorrect public opinion, the Bureau has produced the following statements, which now reflect the true thought or expression intended by the associated public figure.

To the reader: Please note that these statements should be considered as “Final” and “Definitive” and are not open to re-interpretation by the Bureau for the next 5-7 business days.

"I don’t see any reason why it [WOULDN’T] be Russia." – Donald Trump, President of the United States

"You [COULD NOT] put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables." – Hillary Clinton, Resident of the United States

"I did not have sexual relations with [HILLARY CLINTON]." – Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States

"Muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a [ADOPTED] baby = vj" Roseanne Barr, Former Comedian

"In less than a month  less than a month [AFTER THEY TURN 18]  a first-grader [ONCE HE OR SHE IS 18] can become a first grenade-er." – Joe Walsh, Former Babysitter

"You know what, don’t bother showing the video... Sorry [PETE HOLMES] guy, you really did ask for it." – Elon Musk, Community Manager, Tesla, Inc.

"Colonel Sanders called blacks [NEAT]." – John Schnatter, a.k.a. “Papa John”, Inventor of Garlic Butter (?) [Citation Needed]

"Just went to a Southern Virginia Walmart. I could smell the Trump [STEAK BURGERS]." – Peter Strzok, Local Foodie and Accomplished Pitmaster